Woelk: For CU's Murphy, Holmes Trial Resurrects Memories

BOULDER — Three years later, Jordan Murphy still can't walk into a public setting — a restaurant, a mall, a movie theater, a classroom — without carefully checking out everyone in the vicinity.

He surveys his surroundings for exits. He watches for suspicious behavior, for people dressed in a manner that doesn't fit the situation. He avoids large crowds unless absolutely necessary, and when those circumstances do occur, “I'm always just a little bit on edge.”

And he watches. Always watches, carrying a hyper-awareness that comes with surviving a situation that no one could imagine happening to them, a surreal nightmare that still lurks in the shadows of his mind.

Three years ago, Murphy — currently a fullback and special teams standout for the University of Colorado football team — and some friends decided to attend a midnight movie in Aurora. Barely a half hour after entering the theater, Murphy and his friends were scrambling for cover as a hail of gunfire and a cloud of teargas enveloped the theater while screams of terror echoed from seemingly every direction.

Murphy and his friends survived; others in the theater were not so lucky.

When the incident was finally over, the toll for one of the worst mass shootings in American history stood at 12 dead and 70 injured, all at the hands of shooter James Holmes.

The incident gripped the nation. At a midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises,” Holmes — dressed in body armor — burst into the theater and began shooting. The entire episode lasted only a couple of minutes, but in that span, Holmes managed to fire 76 shots and kill 10 people on the scene. Two more died as emergency officals vainly rushed them to seek medical attention.

“It was surreal,” Murphy said. “My first thought was that it was some kind of promotional event. I thought it was some guy coming in late, being goofy.

“And then it started to happen. The shots, screaming … it took a minute to comprehend, and then you realize it's really happening. It's real life. And it's this surreal memory that you just keep replaying and it doesn't go away.”

Murphy was actually one of several college football players in the audience that night. According to the Fort Collins Coloradoan, offensive lineman Zack Golditch — a Colorado State recruit at the time — was in an adjacent theater room when Holmes opened fire. A bullet traveled through the wall and entered Golditch's neck just below the ear before exiting at his hairline.

Holmes' trial ended in mid-July, when he was found guilty of first-degree murder. Last week, in the sentencing portion of the trial, a jury of nine women and three men could not come to an agreement on the appropriate punishment. Prosecutors sought the death penalty, but because the jury could not reach unanimous agreement, Holmes will be sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Murphy, a young man of deep religious conviction, admitted he could not agree with the final sentencing.

“I think it's the wrong call,” Murphy said quietly after a Saturday afternoon Buff practice. “I'll be open about that. Maybe it will clash with the views of some people who are a little more free with their views of the death penalty.

“But he killed 12 people and I believe that warrants the death penalty. Absolutely. I do believe there are some things that don't warrant the death penalty. But using people as points … and killing them … to me, that definitely warrants the death penalty.”

Murphy, a senior and two-year letterman for the Buffs, is an engaging young man who wears a smile as a matter of habit. He's active in his church — his father is a pastor — and he enjoys playing the guitar and singing. He was a standout football player for Lutheran High School, and after a year as a walk-on at Colorado State, he transferred to Colorado. At CU, he's majoring in business and maintains a 3.02 grade-point average. Last season, he was an honorable mention Pac-12 All-Academic team, and just recently, he was one of three walk-ons to be awarded a full scholarship (the others were kicker Chris Graham and Ryan Moeller).

In short, he's a young man who enjoys life.

But since July 20, 2012, his life hasn't been the same. While he didn't suffer any physical injuries, there are scars from the incident that won't go away anytime soon. While he said he feels lucky that he and his friends weren't injured, he still admits to a twinge of guilt that has followed him since that night.

“Whenever the trial, or anything about the shooting, is in the news, it brings back thoughts of that night,” Murphy said. “It makes me replay the scenario in my head.

“You always think what you could have done different. I know it's a bad deal to keep replaying it and wish you could have done something different, but it just happens. It's something I have to deal with.”

Logically, Murphy knows he couldn't have changed the outcome. The timing, Holmes' position in the theater compared to where Murphy and his friends sat — there's nothing Murphy could have done.

But that doesn't stop the instant replay in his head.

“You can't help it,” Murphy said. “You think to yourself, 'Could I have saved some people?' There's this fight or flight response we all have, and my flight response kicked in pretty strongly. But you keep looking and think maybe you could have done something different, maybe you could have changed the outcome a little.

“I know there's nothing I could have done that would have made a difference, given his positioning. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I don't know if I'll ever stop thinking about it.”

Since then, Murphy has done his best to resume normal activities. He actually attended a movie again just a few months later — but it was in the company of his teammates, when the entire Buff squad attended a movie as a team event.

“It helped having the team there, with all the big guys,” Murphy said. “But going to a crowded theater again … that was definitely an eerie feeling.”

And, he still can't fully enjoy an easy night out with friends.

“Places where people are casual, having fun, feeling safe … I can never have that feeling 100 percent,” he said. “I'm always on edge. I can't help it. I can still enjoy myself, but I'm always on edge.”

Murphy did not seek professional counseling; instead choosing to rely on his faith and his father in the process.

“I have a strong faith in God and he helped me process it,” Murphy said. “He was there for me. My dad's a pastor and we just worked through it. It wasn't just me alone. God really healed me.”

Now, Murphy is looking forward to his final season with the Buffs. He led CU last year in special teams points with 30, recording eight tackles and 16 knockdown blocks. He also makes regular appearances on offense, but as a fullback, his duty is almost always a blocking role.

Football is where he can chase the memories away, at least temporarily.

“I hope there's a day that I can completely move on, that I don't think about it anymore,” Murphy said. “I hope there's a day that I don't keep replaying it, wondering if I could have done something different.

“But that's going to take some time. It's only been three years.”